There's a lot to learn from not learning. What I mean is, when you (I) feel like you're not really learning much these days in school, it is amazing what you can learn about not only other people, but yourself from sitting back and watching the world work and continue without you making an impact.
I'm not the most popular guy. I'm not a popular guy at all. In fact, I'd say I'm unpopular. And so when I try and be friends with popular people, it's kind of wierd; for them and for me. I don't know what I'm doing, they don't know what I'm doing, and it's just... wierd. After I realized this, instead of trying to be popular, I just chilled with the popular people; watching. Just seeing how they act, talk, continue conversation (as that seems to be a weak point in my personality) and trying to improve myself.
But I have also thought about myself differently. Last semester, I did Psychology as a subject for school. And whilst I thoroughly enjoyed it, I learnt a lot about myself. Using what I had learnt I have kind of been describing myself as being a bit of a sociopath, or someone who is antisocial, since the start of the year. I have not seen any professional help, even though I know I should, but I don't why I haven't. I believe that it may be my actual (although not proven) disorder preventling me...
When I am in a social situation, I am extremely nervous because I have no idea what I am doing, and being very uncomfortable is not something anyone enjoys really. The fact that I don't know what I'm doing in social situations shows that I haven't been in many, or enough -depending on point of view- social situations. And although it may be something I want to change, it might not be something I should change.
Recently, I've been looking back at my life. What I've done. What I'm doing. What I will or may do. And then I look at myself looking at my life, wondering why I am doing so at my age. Besides that, I see the mistakes I've made, and regrets I have, and wonder what else is going to go wrong in the future. But for now, I am concentrating and what I'm doing wrong at this moment.
Currently, I have (almost) no social life. I sit in school, do homework, watch videos, play games. (I would also like to point out I have a facebook account which I am on way too often for no real reason, and also do not have a phone or a job, but am looking for both) I rarely, very rarely, go out with friends. In fact, this year I have (more or less) only seen one friend (my best friend) outside of school. At his house or mine, or a movie, that's the only time I've been out of the house with just friends. But it's not something I chose to have, it's something I fell in to. I didn't keep myself away from other friends, but other friends kept themselves away from me. And so, I just kind of drifted from various friends at different times during school, but never really stayed anywhere to become such friends as to hang out. And even now, my best friend is starting to drift away too, and I feel left out, excluded.
And yet, even though I don't want to be excluded, I did want my best friend to drift away. You see, as the person who didn't really hang with any friends outside of school, my best friend was inevidably forced to do the same. A couple of months ago I realized this, and hoped that he would get to go out for his sake, not mine. But at the same time, I was also hoping that he might bring me along, so I wouldn't feel left behind, yet here I am. Here we are, me still being shunned and everyone else having a fantastic time.
And so, reading back over this, I can already see confusion in anyone else, wondering why it doesn't make sense: "He's antisocial, but wants to go out, but doesn't, but still does."
Exactly.
I don't know what I'm doing, and that's why I'm confused. I do want to go out more, hang with friends, make more friends, do some stuff and make memories, but I just don't understand it. I don't understand some of the friendships and relationships I see and know of. And so in me trying to figure out how to improve, I end up losing the time to improve, and the vicious circle stops me from getting out there and changing anything.
Now, there's those people who won't read this but will have the answer "Just go out and meet people!" and that's all and good. But I don't know what you mean. I know what go out means, I know what meetings are, and I also know what people are. But for me to put the three together to form an action that results in my goal, just does not compute.
But, I'm still going to try. Try to be better, try to be more social, try to make more friends. And I'm still going to sit back and try to understand what other people do, and what I should do. And I'm still going to fail. I'm still going to make mistakes. I'm still going to try and learn what can't be taught.
And eventually, I will get there....
Eventually...
Wherever and whatever 'there' is.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
So On and So Forth - The Recount
I haven't even looked at this since I last posted, but as per my comment, it was well worth it. I look back at the post from over 3 years ago, and I see a starry-eyed kid ready to look at the world from a new perspective. After a fair bit of bullying and some exclusion from my Primary school, which I hadn't completely realized at the time, I came to my High school ready to make new friends, keep old ones, and start anew. I didn't realize it yet, but destiny is one messed up lady. She does whatever she wants, and whether you want something or not, and whether it's for the best or not, it's up to her.
But I digress.
regarding the hopes for one year:
-Woodwork/Metalwork was great fun, and I still have one of my creations, a mini basketball shooter, which is awesome.
-I've pretty much lost touch with everyone from primary school. a bit because they didn't talk to me, and a bit because I didn't talk to them. when no one talks, nothing happens, and people get disappointed and move on, or try to.
-As for friends at Year 7 and to now, I'd like to think that everyone is my friend, but that is not the case. It never is the case. There are people in the world who are genuinely nice to everyone in their world, and those people are the best of people. Everyone likes them because they are all treated the same. And as much as I aim to be like those people, I can't. People are a**h***s. those people that I like hang out with people I dislike, because the people I dislike are people who dislike me, and the vicious circle continues. I do have friends from Year 7 to now. I do have more friends than year 7, as that was when nobody knew each other, and growing up we meet everyone, but the people in my life at the moment are not really "friends." It saddens me to look at my life at the moment and recognize that I screwed up, and I haven't even lived for what I hope is at least a fifth of my life.
-My dog, Cody, has stopped jumping the fence, after some heightening and securing.
-I do now have a PS3, which I got for Xmas'09. it has been a fantastic escape from the world when I need it.
-My nonna (grandma) has been going well with her knee, although old age is not the kindest of symptoms for sickness.
-My cousin and I are still very close. Although he is a bit spoiled, we are still great fans of gaming and we do get to spend a lot of time together, whether it is plaing games or just hanging. But recently we have been a bit separated as we have our own lives to attend to. We're still close.
-As for music and movies, well, it depends on your taste, but within recent times, I'd have to say the Scott Pilgrim movie was amazing, the Ministry of Sound CD's have been awesome, and at the moment I am loving the latest Skulduggery Pleasant book.
now regarding the 3 year dreams:
-I am on y L's but shitting myself as I am very scared to be having such a power at my hands on the road and not feeling quite confortable as I am finding it difficult to concentrate on speed as well as the positioning of the car on the road. And then add in timing of signals, turning, making sure your doing the right thing and that other cars know it is really stressful... But I will learn... with time.
-I am doing pretty well on my subjects for school, and I don't seem to be falling behind on anything, although my mum is really bugging me as of late (as in in the middle of me typing this) about me playing too many games. I might save that rant for another time, but it's quite annoying.
-As for friends in my house (school houses) and other houses, I have made some friends. I have made some 'enemies' (for lack of a better word, not that we fight, but I could do without their presence... or being. Not that I want to kill them, just for them to leave me alone.)
-(I've discussed the Primary school situation)
-The part-time job thing has been a bit difficult. I would still love to have one, but my current situation is a pretty tall road block; at the moment, my family is doing renovations to our house, so we are living with my nonna and nonno (grandparents). This has been an interesting life experience, and I did not want to look for a job while I was here because a) the situation would change when we move back, b) it is uncertain when we are moving back, and c) we went on a family holiday to Italy for 6 weeks in the middle of the year, and it would seem irresponsible to get a job, then leave for a significant time. But, I am now looking around and seeing what I can do.
-As for the basketball team, I guess that that would have been a nice thing to get into, but it just didn't happen, mostly because I seem to dislike the other people who would be with me. The whole reason I stopped playing was because of my 'teammates' being jerks, and I felt like that'd end up being the case everywhere. I think now that I was/am paranoid, but still am too paranoid to change that.
-The growing up thing is weird. I did say something in music industry, gaming tech, or cooking. Now, I can't play music, the industry in Australia is crumbling and I couldn't see myself doing that for a career, and cooking isn't a job I want to persue. We've (year 10's) recently had to choose our subjects for VCE, and it's frustrating choosing subjects for a career that you don't know yet. I hope for the best.
and now for now.
actually, I'll make it a separate post...
brb.
But I digress.
regarding the hopes for one year:
-Woodwork/Metalwork was great fun, and I still have one of my creations, a mini basketball shooter, which is awesome.
-I've pretty much lost touch with everyone from primary school. a bit because they didn't talk to me, and a bit because I didn't talk to them. when no one talks, nothing happens, and people get disappointed and move on, or try to.
-As for friends at Year 7 and to now, I'd like to think that everyone is my friend, but that is not the case. It never is the case. There are people in the world who are genuinely nice to everyone in their world, and those people are the best of people. Everyone likes them because they are all treated the same. And as much as I aim to be like those people, I can't. People are a**h***s. those people that I like hang out with people I dislike, because the people I dislike are people who dislike me, and the vicious circle continues. I do have friends from Year 7 to now. I do have more friends than year 7, as that was when nobody knew each other, and growing up we meet everyone, but the people in my life at the moment are not really "friends." It saddens me to look at my life at the moment and recognize that I screwed up, and I haven't even lived for what I hope is at least a fifth of my life.
-My dog, Cody, has stopped jumping the fence, after some heightening and securing.
-I do now have a PS3, which I got for Xmas'09. it has been a fantastic escape from the world when I need it.
-My nonna (grandma) has been going well with her knee, although old age is not the kindest of symptoms for sickness.
-My cousin and I are still very close. Although he is a bit spoiled, we are still great fans of gaming and we do get to spend a lot of time together, whether it is plaing games or just hanging. But recently we have been a bit separated as we have our own lives to attend to. We're still close.
-As for music and movies, well, it depends on your taste, but within recent times, I'd have to say the Scott Pilgrim movie was amazing, the Ministry of Sound CD's have been awesome, and at the moment I am loving the latest Skulduggery Pleasant book.
now regarding the 3 year dreams:
-I am on y L's but shitting myself as I am very scared to be having such a power at my hands on the road and not feeling quite confortable as I am finding it difficult to concentrate on speed as well as the positioning of the car on the road. And then add in timing of signals, turning, making sure your doing the right thing and that other cars know it is really stressful... But I will learn... with time.
-I am doing pretty well on my subjects for school, and I don't seem to be falling behind on anything, although my mum is really bugging me as of late (as in in the middle of me typing this) about me playing too many games. I might save that rant for another time, but it's quite annoying.
-As for friends in my house (school houses) and other houses, I have made some friends. I have made some 'enemies' (for lack of a better word, not that we fight, but I could do without their presence... or being. Not that I want to kill them, just for them to leave me alone.)
-(I've discussed the Primary school situation)
-The part-time job thing has been a bit difficult. I would still love to have one, but my current situation is a pretty tall road block; at the moment, my family is doing renovations to our house, so we are living with my nonna and nonno (grandparents). This has been an interesting life experience, and I did not want to look for a job while I was here because a) the situation would change when we move back, b) it is uncertain when we are moving back, and c) we went on a family holiday to Italy for 6 weeks in the middle of the year, and it would seem irresponsible to get a job, then leave for a significant time. But, I am now looking around and seeing what I can do.
-As for the basketball team, I guess that that would have been a nice thing to get into, but it just didn't happen, mostly because I seem to dislike the other people who would be with me. The whole reason I stopped playing was because of my 'teammates' being jerks, and I felt like that'd end up being the case everywhere. I think now that I was/am paranoid, but still am too paranoid to change that.
-The growing up thing is weird. I did say something in music industry, gaming tech, or cooking. Now, I can't play music, the industry in Australia is crumbling and I couldn't see myself doing that for a career, and cooking isn't a job I want to persue. We've (year 10's) recently had to choose our subjects for VCE, and it's frustrating choosing subjects for a career that you don't know yet. I hope for the best.
and now for now.
actually, I'll make it a separate post...
brb.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
So On and So Forth
In one year, I want to be in year 8; I can't wait to be doing woodwork/metalwork and other new things. I would love to still be in touch with some of my friends from primary school and still be friends with all of the people I am with now and I really hope that my dog will stop jumping the fence and making us search for him for 5 hours. I hope that there are some really good games for game console and I really wish I have a PS3 by that time! I hope my grandma’s knee gets better and my cousin and I are still going to each other’s house all throughout the holidays. I would like there to be some really good new music like ‘Viva La Vida’ by Coldplay at the moment, and some good new movies as well.
In three years, I want to be driving a car in my L's! I hope to be doing really well in my subjects at school and not be behind in anything. I would like to have even more friends including friends from my year 7 class now and some from other classes in my house as well, and teaching younger classes some stuff too! I hope to still be in touch with primary school friends and visiting them every now and then after all this time, and I hope to have a small part-time job somewhere close to my house like Eastland and working at a game shop like ‘E.B. Games’™. I would also like to join a basketball club and start getting into subjects for gaming technology, the music industry or cooking, which are all what I would like to be when I grow up!
In five years, I want to have graduated from High school and get my driving license so I can visit my grandparents whenever I want when I get my fist car, hopefully a Honda Civic™. I would like to be in University with my friends from school and primary school, further studying gaming so I could join a big game company like ‘Blizzard’™ or ‘Square-Enix’™, getting into music so I could hopefully join the ‘Ministry of Sound’™, or going further in cooking so I could make my own meals when I move into my new house that I would be looking for at this time. I would like to be looking for a house for myself and would like to get all of the bells and whistles for it, including my car.
In ten years, I want to have gotten a better car than my first car (hopefully a Nissan Skyline R34 or R35, or a Honda S2000 [unless there are spaceships by that time]) and have moved into my new house for myself and (hopefully) my girlfriend. I would like to get my own dog, (which I don’t know what breed I’d prefer) and hopefully he’d have enough room for him to run around at my house. I would like to have a full time job with a gaming company, music company or restaurant, and all hopefully in Australia. I would hope to still be in contact with my friends from high school and my cousins and catch up every now and then and I would like footy or basketball for me as a leisure time activity to stay fit and healthy.
In three years, I want to be driving a car in my L's! I hope to be doing really well in my subjects at school and not be behind in anything. I would like to have even more friends including friends from my year 7 class now and some from other classes in my house as well, and teaching younger classes some stuff too! I hope to still be in touch with primary school friends and visiting them every now and then after all this time, and I hope to have a small part-time job somewhere close to my house like Eastland and working at a game shop like ‘E.B. Games’™. I would also like to join a basketball club and start getting into subjects for gaming technology, the music industry or cooking, which are all what I would like to be when I grow up!
In five years, I want to have graduated from High school and get my driving license so I can visit my grandparents whenever I want when I get my fist car, hopefully a Honda Civic™. I would like to be in University with my friends from school and primary school, further studying gaming so I could join a big game company like ‘Blizzard’™ or ‘Square-Enix’™, getting into music so I could hopefully join the ‘Ministry of Sound’™, or going further in cooking so I could make my own meals when I move into my new house that I would be looking for at this time. I would like to be looking for a house for myself and would like to get all of the bells and whistles for it, including my car.
In ten years, I want to have gotten a better car than my first car (hopefully a Nissan Skyline R34 or R35, or a Honda S2000 [unless there are spaceships by that time]) and have moved into my new house for myself and (hopefully) my girlfriend. I would like to get my own dog, (which I don’t know what breed I’d prefer) and hopefully he’d have enough room for him to run around at my house. I would like to have a full time job with a gaming company, music company or restaurant, and all hopefully in Australia. I would hope to still be in contact with my friends from high school and my cousins and catch up every now and then and I would like footy or basketball for me as a leisure time activity to stay fit and healthy.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Hello all
Well, well, well. It looks like I haven't been here for a while. anyways; I have found a new comedian to laugh at; Dane cook. Verry funny. I would also like to go and see "21" at the cinema's. It look very good. If anyone has seen 'Delerious' by Eddie Murphy, you may be very cool. Okay, g2g!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Long time, no blog...
Soz I haven't been on lately, too much homework over the holidays...... well, I'm back at school and it's not so bad. we haven't gotten too much home work so i am able to go and watch TV when I get home. I have started footy again and we unfortunately lost our practice match 50 - 20:{). Surprisingly, I versed one of the guys that go to my school! I love yo momma jokes so if you have any could you please tell me.
g2g,
Me.
g2g,
Me.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Hey guys!
Hey guys, I had a great weekend. I went to the motor show on Monday (cause we had a day off school) and took some pics; I'm not a bad photographer! I'll see if I can put some pics up.... Anyways, 2 weekends ago I went out with my mum and went to Eastland. I bought a DVD box set: Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. If you haven't seen it it's a must watch, even just for the graphics! It's a great game aswell....... ANYWAY, I got like 10 different posters from the motor show, there was a nissan Skyline R-35, Mitsubishi, Honda, Ford, Holden, Dodge, Ferrari and some others. Next weekend I'm going to the Games Expo At Fed. Square on Sunday with my cousin. We're absolute Game addicts and can't wait to see all of the games and try over 125 of them!School's really hard, the other Thursday, I had no homework and them on Fri. I got like 3 different things! Also last Friday, I had 1 piece of homework to do, and by the end of the day, I had 5; 1 from each session! I'm coping... just... but know I don't have time to play Final Fantasy 7 on my PS2, Even though It's a PS1 game.Awell, I guess I can wait until the games expo to see if they are making it on the PS3! Blog l8r, Jarred.
P.S: can you share my homework with me? Plz????
P.S: can you share my homework with me? Plz????
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Hello e-v-e-r-y-bodyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
Hello everyone and welcome to my blog space!!!!!! I hope that you all enjoy my posts and other stuff that I put up for you to see!
P.S: It's my b'day on 16/02 so buy me presents for then!!!
P.S: It's my b'day on 16/02 so buy me presents for then!!!
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