Revalations

There's a lot to learn from not learning. What I mean is, when you (I) feel like you're not really learning much these days in school, it is amazing what you can learn about not only other people, but yourself from sitting back and watching the world work and continue without you making an impact.

I'm not the most popular guy. I'm not a popular guy at all. In fact, I'd say I'm unpopular. And so when I try and be friends with popular people, it's kind of wierd; for them and for me. I don't know what I'm doing, they don't know what I'm doing, and it's just... wierd. After I realized this, instead of trying to be popular, I just chilled with the popular people; watching. Just seeing how they act, talk, continue conversation (as that seems to be a weak point in my personality) and trying to improve myself.

But I have also thought about myself differently. Last semester, I did Psychology as a subject for school. And whilst I thoroughly enjoyed it, I learnt a lot about myself. Using what I had learnt I have kind of been describing myself as being a bit of a sociopath, or someone who is antisocial, since the start of the year. I have not seen any professional help, even though I know I should, but I don't why I haven't. I believe that it may be my actual (although not proven) disorder preventling me...

When I am in a social situation, I am extremely nervous because I have no idea what I am doing, and being very uncomfortable is not something anyone enjoys really. The fact that I don't know what I'm doing in social situations shows that I haven't been in many, or enough -depending on point of view- social situations. And although it may be something I want to change, it might not be something I should change.

Recently, I've been looking back at my life. What I've done. What I'm doing. What I will or may do. And then I look at myself looking at my life, wondering why I am doing so at my age. Besides that, I see the mistakes I've made, and regrets I have, and wonder what else is going to go wrong in the future. But for now, I am concentrating and what I'm doing wrong at this moment.

Currently, I have (almost) no social life. I sit in school, do homework, watch videos, play games. (I would also like to point out I have a facebook account which I am on way too often for no real reason, and also do not have a phone or a job, but am looking for both) I rarely, very rarely, go out with friends. In fact, this year I have (more or less) only seen one friend (my best friend) outside of school. At his house or mine, or a movie, that's the only time I've been out of the house with just friends. But it's not something I chose to have, it's something I fell in to. I didn't keep myself away from other friends, but other friends kept themselves away from me. And so, I just kind of drifted from various friends at different times during school, but never really stayed anywhere to become such friends as to hang out. And even now, my best friend is starting to drift away too, and I feel left out, excluded.

And yet, even though I don't want to be excluded, I did want my best friend to drift away. You see, as the person who didn't really hang with any friends outside of school, my best friend was inevidably forced to do the same. A couple of months ago I realized this, and hoped that he would get to go out for his sake, not mine. But at the same time, I was also hoping that he might bring me along, so I wouldn't feel left behind, yet here I am. Here we are, me still being shunned and everyone else having a fantastic time.

And so, reading back over this, I can already see confusion in anyone else, wondering why it doesn't make sense: "He's antisocial, but wants to go out, but doesn't, but still does."

Exactly.

I don't know what I'm doing, and that's why I'm confused. I do want to go out more, hang with friends, make more friends, do some stuff and make memories, but I just don't understand it. I don't understand some of the friendships and relationships I see and know of. And so in me trying to figure out how to improve, I end up losing the time to improve, and the vicious circle stops me from getting out there and changing anything.

Now, there's those people who won't read this but will have the answer "Just go out and meet people!" and that's all and good. But I don't know what you mean. I know what go out means, I know what meetings are, and I also know what people are. But for me to put the three together to form an action that results in my goal, just does not compute. 

But, I'm still going to try. Try to be better, try to be more social, try to make more friends. And I'm still going to sit back and try to understand what other people do, and what I should do. And I'm still going to fail. I'm still going to make mistakes. I'm still going to try and learn what can't be taught.

And eventually, I will get there....
Eventually...

Wherever and whatever 'there' is.